22 October 2009

Dr. Duess

(WARNING: The following is not in any way nuanced, satirical or sophisticated. It is not an allegory for our times. There is no hidden meaning or moral, and those searching for one will be shot. The Proprietor)

Giants come,
Witches come,
Rumbling, bumbling giants come.
Slithering, dithering witches come.
How they run!
How they come!
They come to the house of Johnny Rum.

Johnny Rum is home in bed.
Johnny Rum with a cold in his head.
Laying in bed, cold in his head,
Johnny hears the giants run.
Mom is gone.
Dad is gone.
Billy and Jilly and Tilly are gone.

Johnny Rum grabs the phone,
Johnny Rum, home alone.
Johnny Rum calls 911.
"Witches, you say?"
"Giants, you say?"
"Please check your number and dial again,"

The Queen of the witches comes to the door,
The Queen of the witches chills to the core.
The biggest giant comes to the door,
The biggest giant, with the head of a boar.
Knock, goes the door,
Knock, goes the door.
"Who's there?," goes Johnny Rum.

A giant rumble comes to Johnny,
A witchy shrill grabs for Johnny,
"We've come for you," rumble the giants.
"We've come for you," shrill the witches.
"Abandon hope, Johnny Rum."

Johnny Rum knows the score.
Johnny Rum has learned the lore.
Johnny Rum opens the door.

A bucket of water pelts the Queen.
A bucket of water melts the Queen.
Melt, Queen.

The largest giant snorts and steams.
Johnny runs.
Johnny dashes.
The largest giant bends and bashes.
Johnny grabs his big shoe laces.

Johnny ties and knots and splices.
Johnny joins and knits the laces.
Johnny runs, the giant follows,
Down he goes into a hollow.
The earth shakes.
The ground quakes.
Bones break.
Mountains flake.
Thunder wakes.
In the mountains, a dam breaks, a lake quakes, a flood wakes.

All the witches scream in horror,
All the giants run in fright.
The ground shakes; the ground quakes.
A flood comes.
A rushing, gushing, shaking, quaking, moaning, groaning, frowning, drowning flood comes.

In the swirling waters, all the witches start to melt.
In the twirling waters, all the giants start to fall.
Giants run,
Witches run,
Rumbling, bumbling giants run.
Slithering, dithering witches run.
They run from the house of Johnny Rum.

Mom is home.
Dad is home.
Billy and Jilly and Tilly are home.
Johnny Rum is in his bed.
Johnny Rum, with a cold in the head.


Brit said...

Don't geddit.

David said...


joe shropshire said...

Well, the witch is obviously Hillary Clinton, and the giant is most likely Al Gore.

Brit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brit said...

You'd have saved us an awful lot of googling and headscratching if you'd put that warning in earlier.

David said...

Sometimes doggerel is just doggerel.

Peter Burnet said...

Doggerel? My dear chap, it's positively brilliant. But somehow we got into the mindset that Fifteen Men on the Dead Man's Chest must be an allegory for man's inhumanity to man. I blame Orrin.

joe shropshire said...

Mmm hmm, right. the Earth shakes, the ground quakes...swirling waters. No possible way that giant's not Al Gore.

What is it you're really trying to tell us here, Cohen?